How should you treat your parents according to Ephesians 6:1–4?

The relationship between parents and children is a foundational aspect of every society. One of the most explicit and influential biblical passages on this topic is Ephesians 6:1–4. In this blog post, we’ll take a deep dive into this passage, exploring its meaning, context, and practical applications.

Understanding the Context of Ephesians 6:1–4

The Book of Ephesians is a letter penned by the Apostle Paul to the church in Ephesus. Paul’s letter is both theological and practical, offering guidance for living out the Christian faith in daily relationships.

Ephesians 6:1–4 states:

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (ESV)

Paul is building on the Old Testament commandment to honor parents and expanding it with practical instructions, not just for children, but also for parents—especially fathers. The passage is part of a larger section in Ephesians in which Paul addresses household relationships, including husbands and wives, parents and children, and slaves and masters.

The Call to Obedience: “Children, Obey Your Parents”

The first instruction is direct: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” The Greek word used here for “obey” is hypakouō, which means to listen, to heed, or to comply. This isn’t a suggestion but a clear directive.

Obedience, in this context, is more than just grudging compliance. It is a conscious choice to listen to the guidance and authority of one’s parents. Paul adds the phrase “in the Lord,” which means that this obedience is not blind or absolute. Rather, it is obedience that aligns with God’s will. If a parent were to ask a child to do something morally wrong, obedience to God would take precedence.

Paul also notes “for this is right.” This phrase appeals to both natural law and divine command. Across cultures and societies, children are generally expected to obey their parents. Paul affirms that this is not just a social norm but a moral good.

Honoring Your Parents: Beyond Obedience

Paul doesn’t stop at obedience; he escalates the exhortation by quoting the Old Testament: “‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise).” Honoring parents goes beyond mere obedience. The Greek word for honor, timaō, means to value highly, to respect, and to care for.

Honoring your parents is an attitude as well as an action. It involves treating them with dignity, speaking to them respectfully, and recognizing the sacrifices they make. While obedience may diminish as children become adults and establish their own families, the call to honor remains lifelong.

Paul highlights that this is “the first commandment with a promise.” He refers to Exodus 20:12 in the Ten Commandments, where God promises blessings for those who honor their parents. The promise is “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” While this originally referred to the Israelites’ life in the Promised Land, Paul applies it more broadly, suggesting that honoring parents leads to a well-ordered, flourishing life.

The Blessing of Honoring Parents

Why does honoring parents come with a promise? At a practical level, families are the building blocks of society. When children respect their parents, it creates stability and harmony, which in turn benefits the larger community. The promise of “long life” and “well-being” can be understood both literally and figuratively. Respectful, harmonious family relationships contribute to emotional health, stability, and longevity.

From a spiritual perspective, honoring parents is a reflection of honoring God, who is our ultimate Father. The family is seen as a microcosm of our relationship with God. As children learn to honor earthly parents, they are trained to honor God himself.

Parental Responsibility: “Fathers, Do Not Provoke Your Children”

Ephesians 6:1–4 is often cited as a call for children to obey and honor their parents, but Paul does not leave parents without instruction. Verse 4 addresses fathers specifically: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

In the ancient world, fathers had nearly absolute authority over their children. Paul’s instruction is countercultural. He urges fathers not to abuse their authority or act in ways that would needlessly frustrate or discourage their children. To “provoke to anger” means to exasperate, to be overly harsh, critical, or inconsistent. Instead, parents are to nurture their children, providing both discipline (training, correction) and instruction (teaching, guidance) in the ways of the Lord.

This part of the passage underscores that the parent-child relationship is not one-sided. Parents have a responsibility to treat their children with love, patience, and godly wisdom.

The Balance Between Obedience and Individuality

A question that often arises is how to balance the biblical command to obey with the need for children to develop independence and maturity. Ephesians 6:1–4 offers a model of relational balance.

Children are called to respect and obey the parents, but their obedience is “in the Lord”—it is not absolute, nor should it stifle their development as individuals. As children grow, the relationship changes: the call to honor remains, but the nature of obedience shifts as children become adults and make their own decisions.

Parents, on the other hand, are called to foster an environment where obedience is not coerced but cultivated through love and reason. By avoiding unnecessary harshness or provocation, parents help their children transition into responsible, independent adults.

Honoring Parents in Adulthood

What does honoring parents look like once a child is grown? While adult children are no longer under the authority of their parents in the same way, the biblical call to honor remains.

This can take various forms:

• Respectful Communication: Continuing to speak to and about parents with respect, even in disagreement.
• Care and Support: Providing for parents’ needs as they age, including emotional support, companionship, and, when necessary, financial assistance.
• Listening and Valuing Wisdom: Seeking out and considering parental advice, recognizing their life experience.
• Setting Healthy Boundaries: Honoring does not mean enabling unhealthy behavior or tolerating abuse. Sometimes honoring parents means seeking reconciliation or setting boundaries for the well-being of both parties.

When Honoring Parents is Challenging

For some, honoring parents can be difficult, especially in cases of brokenness, neglect, or abuse. Ephesians 6:1–4 does not call for blind allegiance or the enablement of harmful behavior. Instead, it points to a posture of respect rooted in God’s love and justice.

In situations where parents are abusive or have failed in their responsibilities, honoring them might mean praying for them, seeking forgiveness, or choosing not to repay evil with evil. It may also involve seeking help, support, or establishing boundaries to protect oneself and others.

Practical Steps for Honoring Your Parents

How can you put Ephesians 6:1–4 into practice in daily life? Here are some practical steps:

1. Practice Gratitude: Regularly thank your parents for their efforts, sacrifices, and love.

2. Communicate Respectfully: Even when you disagree, speak with kindness and avoid harsh words.

3. Be Patient: Remember that parents are human and make mistakes; extend grace as you would hope to receive it.

4. Offer Help: Look for ways to assist your parents, whether it’s running errands, helping with tasks, or simply spending time with them.

5. Express Love: Don’t assume your parents know you care—tell them and show them.

6. Pray for Them: Lift up your parents in prayer, asking God to bless, guide, and protect them.